Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
