It's Friday. Sex?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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