Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
