she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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