I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
