before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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