We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
