Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
