i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
