Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
