And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
