he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize