i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
