I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
