Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
