apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
