Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
