I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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