Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
