John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
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40s are totally the cure
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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