i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
