Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we're making bets on your personal life
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
