I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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