My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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