best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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