I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.