Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET