why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself