just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
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He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
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So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter