I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How does one acquire holy water?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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