They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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