We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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