There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.