This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
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Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
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Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.