I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Never joke about your clitoris.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
