Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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