just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
