Already got asked if we're dating
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
