My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
