we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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