Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
