i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
