I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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