If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
