I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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