just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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