Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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