now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
