someone get that fucking seahorse.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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