youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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