Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i out mim tonsoeep
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