ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
