Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
