My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
