Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
