there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
