i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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