Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
