but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
