haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
