did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
