it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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