Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
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IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
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Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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