that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
